Autscriptic

You don’t look autistic.

Yes I do.

You don’t act autistic though.

Yes I do.

Yeah, but you’re not like “properly” autistic.

Yes I am.

You can make eye contact.

Yes I can.

You don’t flap all the time.

I do at birds.

You flap at birds?

I flap at birds.

Why do you flap at birds?

It would be rude not to wave at them when they wave at me.

That’s a bit weird.

Is it?

But you don’t do all that proper stimming and stuff, do you? Or do you?

Every day. Most moments of every day. See this?

Looks like a tiny bead mat.

Yup. I made it, I made lots of them, for when I lose them. I get distracted easily.

Can I have a go?

Go for it.

It feels nice.

It feels essential.

Why do you do it?

I’m an addict.

But it’s not like proper stimming, is it? I can feel that that’s nice.

Yes it is.

But you don’t look autistic. You’re not all twitches and movements.

Not at the moment.

What do you mean?

At the moment I’m devoting a certain amount of my brain to keeping my legs still and not twitching my nose. Even though my forehead feels too tight.

But if you can stop it, why don’t you just stop all the time?

I can’t process at that level all the time. It takes energy, I’d rather use that energy on something fun.

You’re smiling, that’s not very autistic, is it? We’re talking and you’re reacting?

Do autistic people not smile?

Don’t you, I mean they, I mean you, have less… Feelings? See! You’re smiling again.

No. I have feelings. Lots of them. I have huge empathy. I feel. I’m just not always great at putting out those feelings as visual signifiers.

As what?

Give me a second to think about how I want to say this.

Ok.

Right, when I feel something I react to it. I imagine it’s in a similar way to the way you do, but that reaction is an emotional one, it’s not necessarily an action.

What do you mean?

If I’ve got spare processing power, then I’ll use that to make sure that my face and my hands look like they’re supposed to when you have a feeling. I’ll behave appropriately. If I’m stressed or overloaded, I might look cold and expressionless. It’s not that I’m not feeling, it’s that I can’t project that emotion in a way you can understand it.

So you have to think about it?

Essentially, yes. Not always, at least not so I’ll notice, I’ve been doing this for decades, it’s not new. I do the relevant action almost automatically, but the action is not automatic.

But you move your hands when you talk. You gesture a lot.

Do I?

Yes, not always, but I’ve seen you do it. You’re doing it now. I thought autistic people didn’t do that.

Am I? Have you watched what I’m doing?

Not really.

See how I wave pointedly, and in between waving or emphasising something, I’m rubbing one hand against the other?

Yes.

It’s all just stimming. I noticed people do it. I do the waving to give myself some sensory information to have more of an idea of where my body is, and then I use the gaps inbetween to quickly stim in a way that isn’t obvious. It’s not a social gesture. It’s a designed one.

Really?

Yup.

It all sounds a bit… Exhausting.

It is. I get tired easily. When I was small I never had to be put to bed. I’d do it myself. Then I’d read for hours to try to calm my thoughts enough to sleep.

I do that sometimes.

That’s nice.

Is it?

It must be nice to only do it sometimes.

Oh. Have I offended you?

No.

So when you say that your emotions don’t always lead to actions, what does that mean?

It means I get a choice.

In what way?

Ok, for years I thought people were pathetic when it came to phobias.

Because you don’t have them.

Oh god no, I’m as irrational as the next person. Because they couldn’t choose their actions.

Is this an autistic thing then?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s a ‘me’ thing. But it comes from black and white thinking. I’ve always been scared of cockroaches. I don’t know why. But they terrify me. I think I have a fear that they’re winning on an evolutionary scale. Whatever it is they bring out the fear in me.

I’m like that with spiders.

Like you and spiders. So when I went to a local animal place, and they had hissing cockroaches, I felt the fear. The woman noticed my interest and asked if I wanted to hold one.

That’s horrible.

It was. I said yes. She put it on my hand and I held it up to my face. I’ve never been more scared.

I don’t think I could hold a tarantula to my face.

You could. All you have to do is move your hand and it happens. The woman said I was very calm and that she didn’t think I was scared of them at all. I was terrified. But I held it and looked at it all over its ridged body.

Why did you do it?

Because emotions aren’t actions, I guess, and I wanted to know it applied to all fears. That I could overcome them. That I didn’t have to be held back by them.

There must be more to it.

Because as much as I fear cockroaches, I can avoid them. All my other fears are everywhere.

What do you mean?

Coming here today, to a new place. Not knowing what the room looks like, where the switches and air vents are, how the doors open, who would be here, what they’d say, who they’d want me to be, what patterns might be on the floor, and so on and on, the fear that causes is immense.

You don’t look scared. You’re smiling again.

If I told you that everything in my head is currently in fight or flight overdrive, and I’m surprised you can’t hear the whirring of gears as I concentrate on decoding what you say and how you say it, in an unfamiliar place, whilst maintaining my look of relaxed interest, would you believe me?

I don’t know.

But it’s ok. Because I don’t look autistic.

No you don’t. I mean that as a compliment.

Because you don’t know what looking autistic means.

No I don’t.
And you think not being autistic is a compliment?

I didn’t mean it like that! It’s just… No one wants to be autistic, do they?
I don’t know. Do you want to be neurotypical? I bet there’s awful bits of being normal that I don’t have to deal with. The only difference is the world is designed to make life easier for you. Not me.

That makes no sense.

Doesn’t it? It made sense in my head.

It’s just hard when you look so… Normal.

What do you think autistic looks like?

I… A bit… Not as conversational.

Do you believe me when I say I’m autistic?

I believe you have a diagnosis.

Ah, weasel-words. That’s not answering the question.

I suppose it’s hard when…

When we look like versions of you?

Yes. Have I offended you again?

I’m trying to decide… No. I don’t think so. I don’t think I should be surprised that I look like everyone else when I’m trying to look like everyone else.

I think I believe you do that.

What? Pretend to be normal?

Yes.

I used to think everyone pretended to be normal all the time. That it was some big secret. That you all knew what I knew and thought how I thought.

Why did you think that?

For the same reason you’re assuming I’m just like you. Because I assumed you were just like me. I just thought everyone else was better at it. I couldn’t work out how people did it so effortlessly. It turned out it was because it involved no effort on their part.

Oh.

Anyway. I’d best be off or I’ll miss the school run.

You work with kids? Autistic kids?

No. My kids.

What? I thought autistic people didn’t like to be touched?

Haven’t we already established that you don’t know much about autistic people? Do you really think it’s appropriate to ask me about my sex life?

No! I mean, I didn’t mean to! Sorry. I won’t hold you up. Nice to meet you.

It was an education.

You’re smiling again.

I do that.

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Published by Rhi

247 thoughts on “Autscriptic”

      1. Hi! Today I was in a groceries shop that I go every day, I’ve noticed something was different today, it was the fridges, they were new, and some items were moved on shelves, I have to say that I felt like it was painful somehow to my brain, I felt so confused that I found myself asking if I was in the right shop, I felt a spinning motion in my head, I was also a bit uncomfortable … I am starting to suspect myself as having some spectrum qualities…could we please talk more, pm?

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  2. “I used to think everyone pretended to be normal all the time. That it was some big secret. That you all knew what I knew and thought how I thought.

    “Why did you think that?”

    “For the same reason you’re assuming I’m just like you. Because I assumed you were just like me. I just thought everyone else was better at it.”

    Thank you for yet again putting my confused and unclear thoughts and feelings into unambiguous and beautiful words.

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      1. I’m an NT. When someone first asked me if I know what Asperger’s Syndrome is (and I didn’t) I wish my answer would have been completely different. I wish I knew then what I know now. I never asked the questions in the dialogue above because I just google the things I don’t know, but it makes me sad for me and the society I live in that we label and judge so easily. That “The only difference is the world is designed to make life easier for you. Not me.” It shouldn’t be like that. Thank you for this read, I just wanted to say it doesn’t just mean something for autistic people, it touches me too.

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        1. Thank you for this comment. This is why I’m optimistic. This is why I don’t want to accept how it is. I believe people care, they just don’t see the problem.

          One day we will look back on these conversations and with the benefit of history and progression, and laugh at them for their silliness.

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  7. Back in the late 90’s, the stereotype of the autistic person who doesn’t speak, hates to be touched. or is only male was the norm. I was labeled and even abused for being “spoiled” & “manipulative”. The only one who got it was my mom. Thankfully, some things have changed. My stims are more stereotypical. I need to rock in a chair or in bed in order to remain calm or to help process a negative event. I also wear pink earmuffs in public. They work better than earplugs. This might make me look more autistic or having special needs in general. I don’t mind. There are certain sounds I can’t handle, even for prolonged times with earmuffs. Children noises are one of those. I also can’t take care of myself independently. My I.Q. has been repeatedly tested @ 110. I speak well. I hate eye-contact as it feels so predatory that I can’t think if I have to do it. Autism is a mixed bag or a smorgasbord in which nobody gets to choose. I wrote about this on my blog. Thank you for your post.

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    1. I rock when I’m alone and very stressed. And bed is my retreat where I process. I often use blankets wherever I’m sat, even when it’s too hot. But that’s all in private. I love my new noise-cancelling headphones, but don’t wear them in public. I worry someone will surprise me and I won’t hear them (even though they’d help with the overwhelming input).

      I find other people’s children’s noises really hard, but my own are somehow classified as “me” so don’t cause the same effect. Which makes little sense!

      I hate eye contact. I can do it, but it hurts. I mostly look at people’s noses and they don’t notice.

      It’s a very mixed bag. Definitely. Thank you so much for sharing all that with me. I really appreciate it.

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  8. Wonderful summary. I look at people’s mouths. Or their middles. I sometimes worry I look like I’m ogling breasts when I’m just trying to find a ‘in their general direction’ middle point. 🙂

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    1. 😄 I tend to go for the “nose to forehead back to nose” method. If I’m very anxious I’ll look at the floor and then throw in fleeting upwards glances.

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      1. I learned to use my peripheral vision as my focus point when I need to. I can read comfortably out of the corner of my eye while staring ahead… So I “look people in the eye” all of the time. I just don’t *see* there 😛

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      2. I have always had a really hard time with any sort of eye contact. I generally look just to the left of their face, but sometimes it’s too much to even actually see them and I will watch the floor, or stare in a direction that puts them just out of my peripheral vision completely. I hate, hate, hate interviews, it takes a lot to look people in the eyes, and then I’m not sure if I’m staring to long, and I can’t read their face very well unless it’s really obvious (laughing, huge grin, crying, scowling, etc), so it gets frustrating.

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        1. When I’m upset with someone I really can’t look at them. Lots of stress means less processing power to work out what people are saying and how they are saying it.

          Thanks so much for sharing your experienceZ

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      3. Good Idea! I was taught to stare at the ear if looking in the eyes is too much for me. I sometimes look at the nose instead. I’m just glad someone caught on and told me the trick because I was tired of getting in trouble for looking down at their feet.

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        1. It’s so much easier. In fact I always thought eye contact just meant looking at the face. I was really surprised when I realised that people actually just look at the eyes.

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      4. I look at people’s mouths — which I need to do anyway in order to hear them. (Combination of auditory processing impairment and hearing loss/tinnitus.)

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        1. I do find that I lip read an awful lot even without hearing loss. If I rely on auditory processing alone it takes much longer and makes me feel stupid. One of the reasons I loath phones with a passion.

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    2. I taught myself in primary school by looking at the temple near the eye. I think now my eye sight isn’t good enough to see all that clearly. Still it is a funny thing that the better one is at passing the more people yell liar when I ask them to stop doing something because it is a problem. I have no idea how to solve this.

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    3. Yes! I tend to look at ppls mouths too. I do make eye contact, but it’s pretty overwhelming and I feel like I can see into their soul and I get distracted from what they are saying.

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      1. It really would. I am sick of explaining to close friends and family members that no, my children aren’t suddenly “cured” (how effing offensive is that anyway?) they are still struggling, every day, in every way they did before, except that with the benefit of age and experience they are learning how to temper their reactions in public in order to be “socially acceptable.” I am encouraging my younger children to stim with confidence if they need to, and woe betide anyone who gives them grief. It helps me to help them if I can see outward signs they’re not coping, as I can then give an option to leave. So far no one has dared be negative to their faces, so maybe the tide is finally changing to one of acceptance, albeit far too slowly.

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        1. If nothing else it makes me happy to see that children are being raised in an environment that complete “gets” them.

          Being able to pass is useful, but it’s stressful and exhausting too, and as you say, everything is still there, it’s just not on show.

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  10. For what it is worth, we are ALL just pretending to be normal. In different ways than you, perhaps, but we’re in the same club here.

    My youngest son is in the diagnosis phase. His dad and I see it because we know him so well. It took five years for his pediatrician to see some of it, such as the anxieties he hasn’t yet learned how to handle, because he “looks so normal.” Thank you for the beautiful explanation of stimming that doesn’t fit the stereotype.

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  13. Thank you. I have this conversation at least once a week. Too many people seem to think that you should be able to “see” autism in the same way that you would a physical disability. The most common comments I get when people find out I have autism are “but you have a family” and “but you have a regular job”.

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  16. Beautiful post, thank you Rhi. Would it be OK if I translate it into Italian and share it on our FB page (Asperger tribe)? We’re 2 Aspie, 37 and 52, diagnosed 2 years ago. It means so much, and it is so powerful to simply *describe* things, who we are, the way we feel. Thank you again. Chiara

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  18. Does no one else go through possible dialog that may come up during a conversation with someone so that they will have the answers ahead of time?

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    2. I’m NT and I do this too if I know I’m going to have to have a difficult conversation with someone. I guess the difference is that it’s something I do occasionally whilst people with autism perhaps need to do this regularly 🌞

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      1. There are lots of “traits” that lots of people do sometimes. As you say, the difference is in doing them occasionally and not being able to function without them.

        Every single morning I wake an hour before I need to get up, so I can make a mental plan of how the day will go. If I don’t do it, anxiety will stop me from functioning properly. If changes happen later without warning, I will get anxious because my reality has been altered.

        Part of it is practising conversations I’m likely to have.

        And yes it’s exhausting and I do wish I didn’t have to do it!

        It won’t be just for difficult conversations either. It’s every conversation. If I’m going to the shop to buy a loaf of bread, I’ll need to practise the conversation with the cashier. Practice how to do small talk, what might be said, how it’ll be said.

        There’s a lot of conscious processing that goes into the smallest of social interactions.

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    4. The fun part being when your autistic child has gone through this process – asked the question, predicted a response, accepted that response and planned his actions accordingly ….. but never actually ran the script verbally ‘out loud’ at all …. And denies this because he is absolutely sure that he HAS held the conversation. We are having to instigate a rule of ‘It doesn’t count unless both people remember the conversation’ … which is, of course, complicated by people out there is the world forgetting conversations which they DID have verbally and ‘out loud’!

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      1. In my household, growing up, everything got committed to paper. If it wasn’t on the contract, I coulf negotiate, but only with both parents at the same time.

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      2. This made me laugh. Yesterday I did exactly this. I was sure I’d asked him to do something. But after a few moments consideration, I had to admit that I hadn’t said it outloud 😄

        I remember getting in trouble as a child for thinking I’d asked and got permission to do something. With hindsight I’m almost certain I must not have verbalised my thoughts.

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      3. Helen, my son is in the spectrum, I’m not, I have narcolepsy. It is also a neurological condition, so I guess maybe I’m not NT. The thing is, before being diagnosed and start treating it, I would usually spend the last minute of my sleep dreaming about the things I had to do that day. The problem is that when you have narcolepsy you have these dreams that very much hallucinations, they feel extremely real, and sometimes it just goes into your memory like a fact that happened. I have to say it did cause some problems with my mom and even cost me a friendship or two, until I learned about the narcolepsy and learned to fact check some conversations I had in my memory in the morning. Fact checking is a nice trick I did teach my ASD son to use whenever he is tells me about a conversation he thinks we had, but we didn’t (When did we talk? what where we doing? what was I wearing, what was you wearing…).

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        1. Great comment and definitely useful. I still do it every once in a while. My husband will look at me bemused and say, “are you sure you asked me to do that?” And I’ll pause and realise I never said it out loud.

          Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

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  20. Pingback: Autscriptic – Harp Learning Institute

  21. Quoting you: <> // <>

    Rhi, again you’ve managed to give me renewed hope.
    By now I thought that no-one would ever understand what my exact problem is since I, at 62 years ‘young’, was diagnosed as being autistic.
    And here you are, and like me you also assumed the ‘outside world’ (as I called it to myself) was just like you, and vice versa.

    I’ve a question for you: HOW on earth do you, knowing what you know now, at specific moments knów WHEN you are thinking different than the one(s) you’re talking with??
    That’s my main problem: I (thought I) totally understood/knew what everyone else was thinking, because hey … I was thinking along the same lines, right.
    Then they tell me I’m autistic and think differently than neurotypical people and I’m like: “But HOW do I know?”

    It’s like: I don’t belong to the neurotypical world anymore (well, I never did of course, but I didn’t know), but HOW do I know what the autistic world is like? (regarding the thinking-proces in particular)

    My sisters tell me it doesn’t matter that I think differently, that’s just typical “Jos”-behavior and they don’t know me any other way, so it’s okay,
    It’s NOT okay, because I haven’t got a clue what they’re on about. I don’t knów what is ‘typica’l mé’, and when I ask them they tell me again that there’s no need to talk about it, cuz it’s okay.

    Do you, or anyone else here, understand what I mean, and can give me tips on how to learn whát about me is “autistic behavior/thinking”, and what isn’t?

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I now know the root-cause of the many severe depressions I have, I’m glad to know it’s normal (for mé) to feel exhausted after having had animated conversations with other people, it’s totally explainable why I sleep during the day, why I scare when the phone rings …. and it’s okay because I understand how it works.
    But I don’t “understand” the difference in thinking, and it’s dragging me down.
    Sorry for this extremely long post …. your blog só hit home, my fingers just kept on writing. (so I’ll tear them from my keyboard NOW … thank you for writing blogs like you do)
    Jos.

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    1. No apologies necessary. Not at all.

      It’s an interesting question. With no one answer. So I’ll do my best and you’ll have to bear with me.

      One thing I do now, that I didn’t do before, is I don’t assume that I can work out people’s motives. I know I don’t think the same as them, and because of that, the reasons I would do or say something, are not necessarily the same.

      Your sisters are lovely, but they’re wrong. You do need to talk about it. You need someone to bounce your thoughts off. For me I bounce my thoughts off my husband. He’s used to my blunt speaking 😊

      For example, if we’ve spent an evening with family and somebody has told a story about somebody I’ve never met, and everyone seemed interested, but I wasn’t, I will ask him to explain to me what it was that was interesting.

      Sometimes this can make me feel a bit sad, because he’ll explain it and I know it’s not in me. That I could never be interested like that. That I’m missing some connection.

      Other times I just come back to “neurotypical people make no sense” and we laugh.

      But it’s been very useful to me to have someone who can answer honestly. If you can find that in your sisters or a friend, then it can be so useful.

      It’s hard to work out which parts of you are there because of the autism (intrinsic), which parts of you are there as a result of the autism (coping mechanisms) and which bits of you are just Jos (would be in you if you were neurotypical too).

      It’s all a part of understanding who we are. We need that.

      Basically… You know autism. You didn’t know you did, but you do. You know who you are and how you react to things and how you think.

      But you thought that it wasn’t autism. You thought that was neurotypical.

      You’re in an upside world now of trying to learn what neurotypical is, so you can define your autism. But actually, you don’t need to. You can put as little or as much effort into it as you decide.

      I sometimes wonder who I would be if I was neurotypical. I’d use the phone more! I’d not have to think through every step before I began each day. I’d think a lot less. And I reckon that would mean that I couldn’t think the way I do, and so I wouldn’t be me.

      I couldn’t lose my awesome sense of humour (?!)

      There are lists of symptoms of autism that I could link if that would be helpful?

      It’s another Rhi-ramble 😄

      Rhi

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      1. Girl, you’re a blessing in disguise. 🙂

        Thank you so much for réading my long post, and even more for replying to it, in such an empathic and understandable way.

        Your example of a conversation with your hubby is something I totally understand.
        I go to parties I can’t deny to go to without offending people, and everyone seems to have a brilliant, funny evening, and afterwards they ask me: “Wasn’t that a great party?”
        LOL, depending on who asks me (if the person who threw the party does, I’ll totally admit that it was a great party), but should my middle sis ask me I tell her I THINK it was a great party, cuz everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. (I never know … do you?)
        Would your party be ‘fun’ if it consisted out of humerous remarks, combined with something substantial to talk about. (something like the upcoming presidential elections in the USA for instance, or about ethics at the workplace, whatever)
        It seems nowadays parties can only be ‘great’ if they consist of talking nonsense (funny nonsense) all evening, by Gawd do NOT talk about something réal, it’s not on.

        Yes, I understand why at times the explanations your husband gives to your guestions can make you feel a bit sad, and I also totally understand sometimes they can just make you laugh. Oh yes. 😉

        You sure have a way of recapping things, I’m suitably jealous of that. (never in a mean way, mind you … éver)
        It’s just: you summarized my entire epistle in just twó, extremely clear, paragraphs, devided by óne elementary line. … hát off to you!

        Got a lot of thinking to do, but my horizon seems brighter, thank you só much.

        And yes, if you cóuld link lists of symptoms of autism, I THINK that would be very helpful to me. (having this OCD-like need to totally únderstand and being able to explain everything … guess it’s all about control. 😉 )

        And gosh no, I wouldn’t want you to lose your awesome sense of humor, I love it. (and I’m not saying this to please you, I’m just being honest)

        Thanks a gazillion Rhi, and the véry best to you and yours.
        Greetings from the Netherlands.
        P.s. You sure you’re autistic? You’re so empathic, and good at explaining in understandable words … are you really sure you’ve got the right diagnosis? (LOLOL, just totally kidding of course – family sense of humor)

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        1. 😄

          https://everydayaspie.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/females-with-aspergers-syndrome-checklist-by-samantha-craft/

          This is an amazing resource. Samantha gives a long list of traits that are specific to women with autism. You may find that you have some traits that are more “traditionally male” because there’s lots of crossover. You won’t find everything is the same, but it can be rather overwhelming when you start to thing “they’re describing me!”

          Hope that’s helpful.

          Empathy is an autistic trait! So is overanalysing everything and trying to get things to make sense.

          Sometimes I think of life before my diagnosis like this:-

          I was a tractor (bear with me). I was a tractor, but I was trying to use a car manual for a Fiat Panda to work out why I felt the way I did, why I acted the way I did.

          Lots of the fundamental mechanics are the same, but ultimately, there’s going to be lots missing. I doubt the Fiat Panda has such a complicated Hydraulics system 😄 and the tractor won’t be reaching the top speeds that the Fiat Panda manual says it should be getting on the open road.

          Still with me?

          Then someone told me I was a tractor. I bought the right manual. It explained why I broke down when I tried to drive at 70mph on the motorway. It explained why I found agricultural work really easy. It explained why my engine kept overheating. It explained all my issues.

          So I started treating myself like a tractor. Enjoying being brilliant at farming and accepting that I couldn’t drive very fast on the roads.

          And yes I like big talk. I like discussing important issues. I rant! I’m passionate! And people look at me as though I have two heads sometimes.

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    2. First, thanks to Rhi for taking the time and having the eloquence to summarise what she has in the blog. I find I can explain these things verbally to people who seem interested, but writing them out feels too tedious, somehow.

      Jos, regarding this point of how do you know what is autistic behaviour/thinking and what is neurotypical, in recent years I’ve taken to asking certain close friends, in particular one who is NT and one who has recently realised (after a few prompts from me) that she has Asperger Syndrome how they would have reacted in certain situations which caused me stress, or left me feeling strange. The NT always replies in ways that show her thinking process and consequent behaviour/emotional reactions are different to mine. The Aspie woman was the first person I met who would chip in and say “But that’s exactly what I would have said/done/thought/felt.” What an incredible feeling that is, to have someone who understands because they live it. Also incredible to have a trusted friend who is NT and can non-judgementally say, “no, that is not how it works for me”. Both these friendshave really helped clarify my own experiences.

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  22. In the same way that I hate it with a passion when people who has no idea what they are talking about try to give their opinion about things that affect me intimately, I love it when people who actually know what they are talking about give me a glimpse of how things are like for them. Thank you so, so much for this.

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    1. Please do, as long as you reference me (Rhi) as the author, and put a link to the blog and the address on screen 🙂

      Glad you enjoyed it. I hope it helps people understand.

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  25. I’m a neurotypical (at least so far) mom of a not “properly” autistic child and have seen these old stereotypes fall down one-by-one in front of me every day. Thank you for putting it into to words that even though its not so “visible”, it doesn’t make it easier, nor less interesting. I am actually fascinated by the way my son sees and approaches the world. It might bring more challenges in some areas, but it is extremely more simple and straight forward in others. I have a great deal of admiration for that little person and no doubt on his ability to empathize, feel, care and love. I am very grateful for the chance to change my misconception and to learn to appreciate neurodiversity. Thank you so much what you published, I’ll be sharing it as much as I can!

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    1. That’s exactly it. There are ways that life is easier for me. But society is set up in a way that makes some things more difficult.

      I wouldn’t swap the way I see the world for anything. I adore the way my brain thinks. I love the connections it makes.

      Thanks for your comment.

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      1. Rhi, just sharing one of the many random thoughts usually racing through my mind when I’m trying to sleep, please don’t judge ;-)! Sometimes I think this neuro-diferences we are seeing and understanding more and more of are simply part of evolution, maybe nature is just lowering the priority of some un-necessary traits, and making more efficient minds, with different abilities. Maybe, in the future we will have a society that learned to appreciate the differences; identify, develop and make good used of people’s varieties of strengths. We will learn to welcome inquisitive learners, devote less time and energy to conformity.

        And when it comes to reading social cues, let me tell you – We would all, I mean ALL save so much time, energy and grief if we just say what we want. I’ve been told several times I have excellent empathy skills and I’m very good at reading people. But boy do I get tired sometimes! Do I get it wrong often! We NT point the finger to people in the Spectrum for not being able to do well something none of us can always do. In reality we should be saying thank you for providing me a break from having to be reading between the lines or armed against hidden intention or deceiving behaviors.
        It makes me very tired, I can only imagine how hard it can be to you. My son simply does not see this things at all yet. It worries me and at the same time I wish he would never have to…
        And I ended up venting, I’m sorry!

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        1. Vent away! They’re all good thoughts. Sometimes I wonder, like you, if it’s evolution playing a part, but I also think that the way the world has changed has played a role too.

          Once upon a time we didn’t travel, we knew everyone around, we had a set routine to the day, things were predictable.

          In a situation like that, there would be fewer stresses on the autistic brain. It would suit us better. No phones to cause even more processing issues.

          It’s a world that’s more sympathetic to those who don’t like change.

          Or then again maybe we were burned as witches! It’s all an educated guess 😊

          The modern world is brilliant in some ways (communicating online), and awful in others (nowhere to retreat). The same stresses affect NTs too, but not as drastically.

          And there’s my ramble!

          People are understanding more and more about autism. I wish more funds were put into practical help and ways to deal with the negative symptoms, and less into finding some mystical cure.

          I don’t want to not be me. I just need the world to accept that neurodiversity is a fantastic thing. It enriches us all. I’m hopeful.

          Jon Adams coined the term the Neurodiversiverse last week on Twitter.

          I want to live in the Neurodiversiverse. I think it’ll be amazing.

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    2. ❤ This. This is why autistics create these posts like Rhi's awesome one here! It's so cool to contribute to the conversation on autism and try to capture the real experience and diverse perspectives. You have such an open mind about your child which I think is so important for them to be understood. Too many people out there (even parents) still believe the misconceptions so it's always great to hear when loved ones get it!

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  30. I love reading blogs from genuinely autistic people. My daughter is high-functioning autistic and only 9 years old. We butt heads a lot because I treat her like a “normal” kid, same as her non-autistic sister. I understand she has some troubles but we’re both working to try to figure those out. Reading articles like this gives me insight into what I should be looking for and how to adjust my thinking as well 🙂 thank you so much for sharing this! Better than any damn psychologist has ever been able to explain.

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    1. It’s worrying when the experts just don’t get it. There’s a growing autistic community of adults that are still not listened to.

      Glad it helped. There’s also a movement towards having autistic writers and specialists. People who actually get it! The danger when you’re not autistic, is to look at the behaviour and not see the motivation. It’s the motivation that is the important bit.

      It’s great that you’re researching from the perspective of the autistic. Really great.

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  31. you communicated what I have NOT been able to, EVER. I am almost 50, grew up feeling weird and unaccepted, and quite honestly still do with 95 % of the world. This piece is FANTASTIC & I am excited to feel like maybe I can now communicate a little of what it’s like to me be with anyone who may be interested.

    again, THANK yOU

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  32. Rhi, the link you gave me sáved my sanity. (if present to begin with, of course. 😉 )
    I’m only halfway through it and Gawd … it IS overwhelming, you’re right.
    As for people looking at you as being two-headed: I can totally relate, bet many others can too. 😉
    The tractor example: awesome.
    Thanks,
    Jos.

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    1. Definitely insane if you liked the tractor analogy! 😄

      I’m afraid you’re completely sane. Sorry about that.

      Glad the link helped. She knows her stuff! The clearest definition I’ve found.

      Rhi

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      1. I have to agree with Jos. Best, most succinct list I’ve seen yet. And I love your conversation, as well. And I will be using the tractor analogy with my husband… he’s mechanical, he’ll get it. rofl

        I’m new to your blog, so you may have addressed this along the way, so forgive me if I retrace steps needlessly. I will likely not get a chance for a diagnosis, between money issues, lack of professionals in the area who understand adult females with autism, et cetera. Plus, I have a nephew whose communication is severely impacted by his autism, AND there are so many people in the family who seem to have undiagnosed Asperger’s/autism. I find I have difficulty being honest about understanding this about myself with my family, for fear that they will possibly think I’m digging for sympathy (you’re not as bad off as he is) or blowing things out of proportion (Aunt so-and-so and Gramps did that, too) since I don’t have a diagnosis to “prove” myself. I stink at the social things anyway, so I fear even bringing it up to other family members (other than my parents, who have validated my views). I want to share something this important in my life without hurting those I love.😦

        I’m afraid this is way off track with the current conversation, but since you seem incredibly articulate, I’d love to know what you think.

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      2. Mawkinbird, always happy to offer my view (but it is just a view!).

        I had that same feeling. It took me quite a while to decide if I wanted to share my diagnosis with people.

        Growing up, autistic traits can often be misread as attention seeking (when often they’re quite the opposite). It’s something we become particularly conscious of. We don’t want people to accuse us of just wanting attention when we’re behaving the way we naturally would.

        There will always be people with more severe symptoms than you. There will also be people going through life as though they are charmed.

        You need to decide what is best for you. After worrying that I might be seen as attention seeking, I was blown away by the acceptance I got. Yes there were some stupid comments, but even they came from a place of love.

        You have your parents onside. They know the truth. They don’t think you’re attention seeking. If people say “well Aunty June does that” then you can tell them about BAPs (broader autism phenotype). What it means is that in families with autistic members, there will often be others who have similar traits (but without the autism). There’s a genetic link.

        When you do tell them, if you decide to, then tell them with understanding and patience. neurotypicals need a lot of patience 😄 I wish you all the luck in the world.

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    1. Thank you. The overanalysing that comes before the articulating can make it a curse as well as a blessing 😊 A supportive and understanding family is an incredible start to have.

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  34. Oh wow. This totally sums up my beautiful 11 year old. I know he tries so, so hard to be like everyone else and is already very adept at doing that. I worry for him because like you, he also appears very neurotypical with no obvious signs of autism, which often makes it hard for people to really understand him!

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  36. This is wonderful! May I add a link to this on my website – autistikids.com? I’m also writing a book and I’d like to link to this as a resource, with your permission. Please feel free to email me if you like (autistikids@gmail.com)

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    1. Hi Patricia, sure. That’s fine with me, as long as it’s all referenced and linked to here and not reproduced in its entirety without prior consent, then I’m happy to let you spread the word 😊

      Thanks
      Rhi

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  40. THANK YOU for this. It’s beautifully written, and it’s raised a question for me.

    I don’t have autism, but I do have a lifelong anxiety disorder compounded by PTSD in my adult life. I used to work with neurodiverse youth, and I noticed that some of my coping mechanisms look a lot like those used by autistic folks – I stim, I rock during anxiety attacks or triggering episodes, I plan to minute detail (and panic if my plans go astray).
    My dad is on the spectrum. He grew up in a religious military home in the south – in other words, in a culture with no real allowance for diversity, neuro- or otherwise. He figured out some ways of trying to fit in, but he describes it as confusing and exhausting. He’s been lucky to find a more accepting community in his adult life, but he still wasn’t diagnosed until I was in high school. I always knew he was unique, but thought it was just Dad being Dad. Now, of course, I recognize that some of his characteristics are part of or in reaction to his autism. None of it ever got or gets in the way of him being a loving, supportive, brilliant, hilarious, wonderful father. We are a lot alike and I have always looked up to him.
    Here’s what I’m curious about: is there other evidence out there, either from research or anecdotes, that shows parallels between innate coping mechanisms for anxiety & autism? Or are some of my coping mechanisms that look like autism ones that I use because they were modeled by my dad?

    I know there are no hard & fast answers, and it’s not like this is going to affect my relationship with him or myself, but I’m curious and this seems like a commenting community that could have insight and/or related experiences.

    (Please feel free to delete if this feels like a thread-hijack.)

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    1. Interesting!

      I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but have you considered that you might have autism? Women present very differently to men and are often missed from diagnosis, and I have heard that PTSD has similar symptoms too. I’m basing this entirely on the fact that you have a genetic link and that you have anxiety! That is not much to go on and you can completely ignore it, but I was wondering if you’d looked into the possibility.

      It’s common for autistic women to have been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar, OCD, PTSD all wrongly, because the symptoms of autism are so often based in anxiety and overthinking and analysing.

      It’s only a thought!

      There is also something called The Broad Autism Phenotype. I know a few BAPs 🙂 it’s basically someone who has some autistic traits (often a family member of someone autistic) but isn’t actually autistic since they don’t have the processing issues.

      I don’t know if any coping mechanisms are truly innate. But certainly self-taught, and there must be a huge crossover. We do what works for us. Some will certainly have been learned from a parent. Others we’ll just see what works best for us through trial and error.

      Anxiety is one of the main problems for autistic people. All of mine were self-taught (I come from a family of social extroverts) and honed by trial and error. It’s amazing finding out other people do the same sorts of things too.

      Your dad sounds great (as do you).

      https://everydayaspie.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/females-with-aspergers-syndrome-checklist-by-samantha-craft/ is a great resource for checking female autistic traits.

      I’m not sure how much I’ve answered your question, but I very much enjoyed your comment 🙂

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    1. There’s no simple answer. Lots of people have “autistic traits” but they don’t have the processing problems (which is the actual autism), so it could be that they have symptoms but without the autism as a cause (if you see what I mean).

      You can speak to your doctor about getting them assessed. Whatever happens don’t worry. Your child is still the same person, they just get to learn and understand more about who they are if they are.

      There are lists of symptoms online you can check out. People don’t tick every box.

      It’s just a slightly different brain design. Not better or worse. Just different.

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      1. Exactly! I’m a mom of a child in the Spectrum and I completely agree to every point. First of all, no matter the label, it does not change your son. It is the same child you know and love, and understanding him better will make it possible to help him better. Also, if you think you need help understanding him, find a specialist. ASD traits are not always caused by Autism, just like ADHD traits are not always caused by ADHD. Once a mother asked me to “observe” her son to see if I thought he was in the Spectrum, like mine. I said I could not do such a thing. Then she simplified – “I just want you to look at him and see if you see the same things you saw in your son”. I had to explain that even if I did, it would not mean anything. “I’m not an Autism Specialist, I’m a specialist on My Son’s Autism” .

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  42. Love it! This describes my inner experience on so many levels!!!! 85% to be exact. I am glad someone was able to put into words what I feel on the inside a lot of the time.

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    1. If it doesn’t go according to plan, then don’t forget that you KNOW you’re not doing this for attention. You’re doing it for understanding.

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  46. Pingback: A.I.N.A.S.F.S – JACK THE SPACE COWBOY

  47. Hi, although I am not autistic, I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. By societal standards, I am “high functioning,” as in I can sometimes muster up enough energy to leave the house and interact with people when I have to, all the while appearing “normal” enough to actively stop myself from openly displaying or noticeably reacting to my symptoms.

    I have a very difficult time telling people that I’m schizophrenic, partly due to fear of falling victim to the stigma that surrounds it and partly for fear of a conversation similar to this one. I am a lot better at writing than I am at talking; my thoughts tend to come to me as a giant mess of words, ideas, and concepts, and getting them to make sense to other people takes so much time, effort, and energy, it’s exhausting and doing it on the spot (eg in a conversation) is extremely stressful. I don’t think I ever would have been able to explain why I don’t “look” neurodivergent as eloquently as you did. This big “word scramble” often can send me on long rambles like this because I tend to just say/type things as i think of them, haha. Sorry.

    But there is a point to this ramble, I promise, and that point is, thank you so much for this post. Although it doesn’t wholly apply to me, and although I obviously can’t say that I fully understand what you deal with on a daily basis, I can identify with many of the sentiments made here and I really appreciate how well and how clearly you conveyed the experiences of a “normal looking” neurodivergent person. Just want you to know how impactful this was, and made a difference in another neurodivergent’s life despite not having the same diagnosis. I’ve been inspired to inform people in the way the way you have. Thank you! 😊

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    1. Thanks for commenting! Great to hear from a fellow member of the neurodiversiverse. So many of us are just crying out to be accepted and understood for who we are.

      I don’t want to be told that I’m something I’m not, I just want what I am to be treated with respect.

      I will keep hoping.

      Thanks again.
      Rhi

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  48. Pingback: Autscriptic – reneechristianblog

  49. This was brilliant. I’m on the Asperger’s Spectrum, and I can relate to so much of this. I don’t flap at birds…but I woof back at dogs, and meow back cats when they woof and meow at me. I have a good friend who is Autistic as well..we meet when we both did the Disney College Program…the way we became friends is, I comment on his giant Stitch Plush, and we later told me that’s how I opened my door to him…it made sense.

    Thank you for this…again, it’s brilliant.

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    1. Amazing how one small moment can be the thing to open doors. It always surprises me how people start to connect. Lovely to hear.

      I might meow and woof occasionally too. Who wouldn’t?! 😺

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  50. Pingback: Autiscríptica | bookwormval

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