Stop Looking over my Shoulder!

I hate people looking over my shoulder, it’s the worst. They’re close and intrusive and they’re stealing my actions with their eyes.

It’s even worse when it’s me. I am so fed up of me looking over my own shoulder. She’s ridiculous.

I’ll be messaging someone a cheery, “How’s things?” And she throws in a helpful, “Are you sure that’s how you want to phrase that? Have you considered all the possible interpretations? What if their things are not doing well, is the cheeriness conducive to openness or does it close down the conversation? What if the response is awful? What if they’re dead?!”

She’s a plonker, and she’s always there, pointing out the faults and the worries. She’s one big “WHAT IF..?”, and I have to argue with her every day, over and over and over again, if I’m to get anything done.

Sometimes the argument is too much. I don’t have the energy to discuss why it’s ok to do what I want to do. Instead I slowly delete the words and step back from the interaction.

Then she points out that not sending anything could be interpreted as antisocial. I can’t win.

I made this monster. I cultivated her and built her from scratch. She is the result of having a brain that provides me with questions and not answers. She is my replacement for my lack of an automatic social-processor, and, on so many levels, she’s great.

She’s helped me notice things I might have missed; “They said they’re fine, but they’ve got a creased brow, maybe this time the words should be overruled?”

She’s helped me help people that I might have thought were fine if she wasn’t peering over that shoulder so firmly. She’s helped me interact better. She’s helped me be a better friend, a better wife, a better human.

That doesn’t mean she’s not annoying.

It would be nice to just know. It would be nice to not have to question and re-question every interaction. It would be lonely too. An automatic mind will miss the wood for the trees.

I wouldn’t be the person I am without her; My little personification of myself, who sits on my shoulder like a bossy older sister and tells me what is what.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish she’d shut up.

12 thoughts on “Stop Looking over my Shoulder!

  1. Your view of the looking-over-my-own-shoulder function sounds kinder than mine. I might have to- scratch that, I do have to reconsider the matter. Thanks πŸ™‚

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Absolutely brilliant, Rhi πŸ™‚
    As I was reading, I started to just steam, like “who the heck can be so annoyingly rude?”, only to realise right before you revealed it, that yeah, I know who that is, the same as my bloody old “grandma” -which doesn’t even resemble that much to my late saintly weirdo grandma, except for the core, plus the Eric Cartman version of myself around- sitting stuck between my cerebral hemispheres, smoking pipe, sipping coffee, you know, your grumpy old bat…
    But as you said, I can’t lobotomise “her” out, just could do with some “shut-up you old f**t” times… πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I got my inner critic having put her noose in everything I do. She dosen’t say much just wrinkels her noose and gives me THAT look… That says more than a 1000 words. But I’m getting better and better at looking back at her telling her to mind her own business 😎

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Yep! I really can’t handle other people literally looking over my shoulder, it is an intrusion of both my privacy and space.

    The little gremlin who prompts meet to self censor is always there….. what if, why … it ‘d be better if you’d do/say this that or t’other. I know where this comes from … it is the accumulated criticisms from others and self over my entire life. Myself, in attempt to survive the world of relating to others… one that is unfathomable… and even through I see the futility of trying to fit in, it is the attempts to successfully communicate I’m concerned about.

    This gremlin self, as you too have found Rhi, has , like everything else, its place as long as one side of it doesn’t dictate. It can be really insightful and also a tormentor.

    I guess I could call it my Perspective Gremlin.

    Liked by 2 people

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